Have you been the victim of internet fraud?

"His silly little fat face lit up with joy. It was heartbreaking"

 

Don’t worry. You’re not alone.

I’ve been targeted many times. Many years ago, Chris Taibu, the nephew of a millionaire farmer who had been murdered in Zimbabwe, asked me to help him discreetly move his millions out of the country. Of course, I was eager to assist, but sadly it was not to be. I explained that I was banned from Spain (our planned meeting place) on account of an unfortunate incident involving a donkey in a hotel lift. He seemed puzzled by my description of sheep dogs that could not only count sheep but would disguise themselves as sheep until the flock was threatened by bears and wolves, before leaping into fierce devotion and scaring off the attackers. Eventually Chris Taibu figured out that I was a time-wasting idiot. In the intervening years, many people have made the same discovery.

More recently I was blackmailed by a hacker who claimed he had used my computer’s webcam to film me manhandling my giblets in an inappropriate way whilst watching porn. Although, after some extensive tests, I was able to feel relatively confident that my camera couldn’t film my bits unless I was standing on my chair, holding the laptop in one hand and the giblets in the other, it was disconcerting enough for me to apologise to all my email contacts in case the video clip actually materialized.

But last Friday I was totally unprepared for the humiliation that was about to befall me.

And without wishing to give the game away, it was Ambassador Ken wot done it.

We were invited to a party, you see. A pleasant, low-key gathering of some RS Aero sailors plus Ela and me. The fact that we were pretty much the only “non-Aero” sailors (apart from the current Mrs Ambassador Ken) should have rung some alarm bells, but foolishly I thought I was funny, handsome and popular and that was the reason I was there.

After a pleasant meal, Ambassador Ken wanted to make some announcements. And he started with me. I can’t remember the exact words, but it goes something like this:

“You’ve tried so hard to become a Brand Ambassador this year. Your efforts have not gone unnoticed. We made a few calls and today, a certain person delivered this”

And this is what I was presented with.

Yes, of course I believed it. I read the whole thing out loud to the assembled conspirators (And  I am now convinced that all of those sneaky bastards, Lorrian, Sarah, Sue and Graham included, were in on the joke). I even put on my Rooster hat and posed for pictures.

It’s not real. Steve Rooster didn’t award me a certificate or write a letter. If he was going to deliver anything to Ambassador Ken’s last Friday it would have been the RS300 boom he’s complaining that I haven’t collected from his warehouse yet.

So, my efforts to become a Brand Ambassador are ongoing and no, I’m not going to buy a bloody RS Aero and sail with these sneaky gits, even if they do invite me to their dinner parties. I suppose, in the spirit of Rooster Bloggerhood, I will put this down as a "valuable learning experience" and say how amazing the Rooster cap is.

Incidentally, I am still training even though it's getting dark and cold. I'll update you on the latest sailing news in the next blog!